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The "Universal Truths" List

Disclaimer

This is a humour page. It's not claimed that the items on the list are factual, merely that they appear so. No offence is intended in any item. Please contact eric@thelin.org if you have any comments.
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The List:

Sort by Date Added (newest first)
Universal Truth # 1
There are fewer than 6328 Universal Truths
(richard#phase.org)

Universal Truth # 2
The truth is always true even if noone believes it to be
(pim#update.uu.se)

Universal Truth # 3
Universal Truths are not necessarily consecutively numbered
(azz#alcatraz.soaks.kent.sch.uk)

Universal Truth # 4
If you announce a plan that is amusing but harmless, you'll end up with your feet meeting your tonsils
(richard#phase.org inspired by rljoiner#mindspring.com)

Universal Truth # 5
Feet taste better with Ketchup.
(rljoiner#mindspring.com)

Universal Truth # 6
Ketchup makes everything taste better. Except Ketchup
(rljoiner#mindspring.com)

Universal Truth # 7
There's always someone who prefers mustard
(richard#phase.org inspired by jazzfish#vt.edu)

Universal Truth # 8
Someone, somewhere will always be offended
(sleepindog#excite.com)

Universal Truth # 9
No matter what you do, someone will ask for more features.
(mimick#chia.net)

Universal Truth # 10
The truth is no one knows the truth.
(eric#generation-i.com)

Universal Truth # 11
Love cannot be faked.
(scope#korova.org)

Universal Truth # 12
Love cannot be hidden.
(kylie#mcmedia.com.au)

Universal Truth # 13
The best way to get information from usenet is not to ask a question, but to give a bad answer.
(vhubert#Minacom.com)

Universal Truth # 14
The highest compliment someone can give is to say you made them think.
(jerrol#vt.edu)

Universal Truth # 15
Just because the thought was reached through deep meditation, dosn't make it deep.
(Pshovar#aol.com)

Universal Truth # 16
A cat works just as well as trained Psychologist, and gives better advice.
(pshovar#aol.com)

Universal Truth # 17
A Gillette is better than Ockham's razor
(P.vanRoosmalen#ITS.TUDELFT.NL)

Universal Truth # 18
Some people can never finish a
(westley#bigfoot.com)

Universal Truth # 19
If a program is useless, it will have to be extensivly documented.
(Tiberian#ICDC.COM)

Universal Truth # 20
If a program is useful, it will have to be "improved".
(Tiberian#ICDC.COM)

Universal Truth # 21
Love can hurt. But its always worth the pain.
(zen#evilpeople.com)

Universal Truth # 22
30 seconds after permanently deleting/throwing/burning it, you need it.
(westley#bigfoot.com)

Universal Truth # 23
Everything is directly or indirectly related to the number 5
(dave#smallblue.com)

Universal Truth # 24
Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capacity of it's programmer to maintain it.
(Tiberian#ICDC.COM)

Universal Truth # 25
A straight line can be drawn from the Tower of Babylon to UniCode.
(westley#bigfoot.com)

Universal Truth # 26
No matter how good a website is, its' webmaster is guaranteed to get at least one e-mail which says "UR PAGE SUCKS".
(domen.novak#g-kabel.si)

Universal Truth # 27
Few things are as amazing as the amount of effort people will go to in order to annoy others.
(domen.novak#g-kabel.si)

Universal Truth # 28
It's possible to find a soulmate on the internet... but not within a 3000 mile radius
(richard#phase.org)

Universal Truth # 29
The only advantage in making computers understand English is that it will prove once and for all that programmers can't write English.
(mike#tecc.co.uk)

Universal Truth # 30
If God hadn't meant us to eat, he'd have made us photosynthesise.
(mike#tecc.co.uk)

Universal Truth # 31
You can never go back -- only forwards, or stand still.
(mike#tecc.co.uk)

Universal Truth # 32
Just because it's a "well known fact" doesn't mean it's true.
(mike#tecc.co.uk)

Universal Truth # 33
Growing up is the inevitable process of becoming firstly the people our parents warned us about, and then the people that the people our parents warned us about, warned us about.
(mike#tecc.co.uk)

Universal Truth # 34
It's hard to retro-fit correctness.
(mike#tecc.co.uk)

Universal Truth # 35
The two most common elements in the Universe are hydrogen and stupidity
(corsair#rconnect.com)

Universal Truth # 36
Spam is god, so worship the most divine pink meat that thou mightest keep it holy.
(bork#www.brokenwindow.net)

Universal Truth # 37
The best truths invariably come from the sides of mugs that you never remember purchasing.
(Tiberian#ICDC.COM)

Universal Truth # 38
Any time your email address shows up in the internet, you can expect fully half your email in the next week to be SPAM!
(weety#col.ca)

Universal Truth # 39
Once someone has a piece of your heart, they will have that piece forever.
(zen#evilpeople.com)

Universal Truth # 40
If it says Plug and Play on the box, It aint.
(peterd#tor.comm.mot.com)

Universal Truth # 41
It is better to have loved and lost, then never to have ditched the psycho.
(mathiaveri#hotmail.com)

Universal Truth # 43
Just because you know the answer to Life, the Universe and Everything, it doesn't mean that it all suddenly makes sense.
(dave#smallblue.com)

Universal Truth # 44
Nice guys always finish last because they know it's not a race.
(mathiaveri#hotmail.com)

Universal Truth # 45
Murphy was an optimist.
(ayla_kismet#hotmail.com)

Universal Truth # 46
The truth always hurts you most when you're trying to protect a lie.
(mathiaveri#hotmail.com)

Universal Truth # 47
Life is an Excrement sandwich, the more bread you have, the less excrement you have to eat.
(randomthoughts#usa.net)

Universal Truth # 48
When in doubt, you should probably keep it to yourself.
(randomthoughts#usa.net)

Universal Truth # 49
You never know what you've got until it is gone. No matter how much it pranced under your nose, wearing nothing but underwear and sticking a banana in its ear, to get your attention.
(teikari#bigfoot.com)

Universal Truth # 50
Just because you put kittens in the oven...it doesn't make them biscuits.
(kimmikea#yahoo.com)

Universal Truth # 51
Paranoids live longer, but they get less done.
(cgray#aesprodata-na.com)

Universal Truth # 52
The more beautiful, the more paranoid
(teikari#bigfoot.com)

Universal Truth # 53
The only impossibillities in the universe are completion and perfection.
(datadictator#ajventer.cjb.net)

Universal Truth # 54
Nothing is ever as simple as it first appears
(dlaing#cheerful.com)

Universal Truth # 55
If a pointer can't possibly be dereferenced...it will be.
(wwilliam#dragon.zathras.net)

Universal Truth # 56
The keyboard is mightier than the pen, and the pen is mightier than the sword, but the atom bomb kicks ass...
(pyre_dragon_of_fire#myaccessmail.com)

Universal Truth # 57
In a cluster of galaxies, one of many such clusters, there is a galaxy. On the edge of this galaxy, is a star, one of trillions of such stars. Orbiting this star, is a tiny ball of iron. On this tiny ball is a very thin scum of lighter elements. Most of which are watching TV.
(ece#dwaf-hri.pwv.gov.za)

Universal Truth # 58
If Bill Gates stashed his cash under his bed in $1.00 bills,the bed would rise 15,000 miles.
(pyre_dragon_of_fire#myaccessmail.com)

Universal Truth # 59
People are stupider than anybody :)
(d.moore#heaven.org)

Universal Truth # 60
It is impossible to understand the behavior of dogs and cats at the same time, unless of course you're a cat.
(athompso#ctron.com)

Universal Truth # 61
The truly great always die too soon.
(slosh42#hotmail.com)

Universal Truth # 62
The less you know about something, the easier it is to hate it.
(athompso#ctron.com)

Universal Truth # 63
The more you know, the more you realize how little you know.
(jimboliah83#hotmail.com)

Universal Truth # 64
Truth is infinite, understanding is finite
(eric#generation-i.com)

Universal Truth # 65
The more it hurts to learn something, the longer you will remember it.
(athompso#ctron.com)

Universal Truth # 66
You can hold someone down, but you're going to be down with them.
(jimboliah83#hotmail.com)

Universal Truth # 67
The faster CPU have the less you need a heater.
(eric#generation-i.com)

Universal Truth # 68
Earth girls are NOT easy.
(tragedy.nin#usa.net)

Universal Truth # 69
Boys always say yes. Girls always say no.
(ericb#avtel.com)

Universal Truth # 70
There will always be someone who thinks that the speed limit is a minimum
(richard#phase.org)

Universal Truth # 71
Where-ever you go... there you are.
(ecrawford#rkkengineers.com)

Universal Truth # 72
You can have all the sex your wife wants
(dsickler1#cfl.rr.com)

Universal Truth # 73
The necessity of the quietness of your footsteps lies in direct proportion to the amount of objects you'll bump in to.
(homeena#yahoo.co.uk)

Universal Truth # 74
People who waste time writing down universal truths nedd to get a life.
(utonium#townsville.net)

Universal Truth # 75
When you go to a restaurant and trawl the menu you always end up wanting the meal that the waiter places in front of your date....
(Miranda1704m#aol.com)

Universal Truth # 76
76.4% of all statistics are wrong
(esad716#yahoo.com)

Universal Truth # 77
The person who says "you don't need to lose weight, you look great as you are" is usually stick thin
(jeffellis_1999#yahoo.co.uk)

Universal Truth # 78
When you're not high, people who are, are never as entertaining as they think they are.
(Allexx74#hotmail.com)

Universal Truth # 79
Everything takes longer than it takes.
(rootytoottoot#excite.com)

Universal Truth # 80
Every problem contains its own solution. Fundamental understanding of the problem alone can reveal it.
(rangan#37.com)

Universal Truth # 81
the desparation of the employer is directly proportional to the expense and garishness of the advert
(Miranda1704m#aol.com)

Universal Truth # 82
you can't plan to be spontaneous
(jenzie15#aol.com)

Universal Truth # 83
its always the small shit that gets you in the end
(jenzie15#aol.com)

Universal Truth # 84
true friendship is not feeling a twinge of guilt when you see your friend's gut hanging out
(jenzie15#aol.com)

Universal Truth # 85
there is a direct correlation between how hearty a person's appetite is, and how pleasant and interesting their character.
(jenzie15#aol.com)

Universal Truth # 86
when loving someone unrequietedly, remember this; while to you, he is a juicy steak, to him, you are a moldy weiner.
(jenzie15#aol.com)

Universal Truth # 87
Blind compliance or compulsive non-compliance of anything are like the two sides of the same coin due to ignorance.
(rangan#37.com)

Universal Truth # 88
The volume of the music coming from inside a car is inversely proportional to the quality of what's being played.
(luc-on-the-move#braziliantranslation.net)

Universal Truth # 89
Some days you see a lot of people on crutches
(RebeccaKiernan#hotmail.com)

Universal Truth # 90
It's safer to go there in your head.
(s.pantoll#angelfire.com)

Universal Truth # 91
You can do anything in the world you set your mind to other than walking through revolving doors with skis on your back.
(beccy#cableinet.co.uk)

Universal Truth # 92
Don't judge a book by its cover, judge it by its color, its weight, its height, its width, its complextion, and all of its other features.
(komakwigga#yahoo.com)

Universal Truth # 93
true infinite love is like a dream without cause
(ibben#zworg.com)

Universal Truth # 94
death kills, beware
(nrixham#hotmail.com)

Universal Truth # 95
If it looks easy, its mind bogglingly complex.
(peterd#tor.comm.mot.com)

Universal Truth # 96
The most painful household injury is stepping on an upturned plug in just your socks.
(denim_doll#hotmail.com)

Universal Truth # 97
What you don't know you don't know will always dwarf what you know, but so will what you don't know you know.
(eric#thelin.org)

Universal Truth # 98
If it looks complex, it is.
(peterd#tor.comm.mot.com)

Universal Truth # 99
There will always be someone around to correct your grammar.
(ogre#iglou.com)

Universal Truth # 100
No man can ever know both what a woman is thinking, and how she will act on this, at the same time. (apologies to Heisenberg)
(dna#divcom.slimy.com)

Universal Truth # 101
Nothing is so smiple that it can't get screwed up.
(jazzfish#vt.edu)

Universal Truth # 102
The only way out is through.
(zanf#emptynoise.net)

Universal Truth # 103
Your computer will always crash 1 second before you remember to save.
(jkarani#hotmail.com)

Universal Truth # 104
No matter how airtight you make an object, it will still have dust inside by the end of the month.
(jkarani#hotmail.com)

Universal Truth # 105
Any group of geeks will find something to discuss that is of no interest to anyone else yet seems to be universally interesting to them.
(eric#generation-i.com)

Universal Truth # 106
The world will keep spinning even if you miss your bus.
(jarliverp#hotmail.com)

Universal Truth # 107
Nothing matters as much as you wish it would.
(judeless#yahoo.com)

Universal Truth # 108
there is always a person who likes you, hates you,and pretends to know you
(tom.summers#btinternet.com)

Universal Truth # 109
If you see a cactus falling, DO NOT catch it!!!
(sselthun#insight.com)

Universal Truth # 110
You can never lose you last bit of decency, it just gets flipped to 0 every once and a while.
(shafik#acm.poly.edu)

Universal Truth # 111
People never say what they think, nor do they think what they say. Truth is that people lie.
(dying_spirit#darksites.com)

Universal Truth # 112
Things are always on the last place you look for them.
(cfm#sdfkjk.com)

Universal Truth # 113
The existence of universal truths is based on the non existence of cultural relativism.
(dying_spirit#darksites.com)

Universal Truth # 114
some of the truths listed on this page suck badly. n some of these truths are true lies.
(dying_spirit#darksites.com)

Universal Truth # 115
Almost everyone believes he/she is a better than average driver
(eric#omniseek.com)

Universal Truth # 116
Most people are happy in life because they know that they are going to die some day.
(dying_spirit#darksites.com)

Universal Truth # 117
Any time you laugh so hard that the milk you are drinking comes out of your nose, a cute member of the opposite sex will walk by and see it.
(winkgirl4#hotmail.com)

Universal Truth # 118
There is no such thing as a tiger.
(teacake#clear.net.nz)

Universal Truth # 119
Taste is in the tongue of the beholder. (Therefore the previous truth: Ketchup makes everything taste better, except Ketchup may not necessarily be true!
(rjmoore#nickstoys.com)

Universal Truth # 120
Everything you see, you either have seen or never seen before.
(buzzsaw_1#hotmail.com)

Universal Truth # 121
Try as you might, you can never run away from your knees.
(draullm#hotmail.com)

Universal Truth # 122
If, after much work, you manage to recover something you thought was permaneantly deleted or discarded, you will discover it isn't as useful as you thought it would be. (See #22)
(athompso#ctron.com)

Universal Truth # 123
I smoke weed.
(nautic206#aol.com)

Universal Truth # 124
eternal love lasts about three months
(sirenasereia#hotmail.com)

Universal Truth # 125
There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it over.
(daveh63#yahoo.com)

Universal Truth # 126
Everytime You Drop A Buttered Slice Of Bread Or Toast, It always Falls Buttered Side Down And Everybody Everywhere Can Always Remember The Day A Dog Ran Into Their School
(Mad_Fozz2004#hotmail.com)

Universal Truth # 127
People tend to know everything about the pop-star they hate the most
(marcialit#AOL.com)

Universal Truth # 128
It takes as long as it takes is a stupid phrase
(marcialit#AOL.com)

Universal Truth # 129
Computers will always crash just before you decide to save your work.
(erlando#stofanet.dk)

Universal Truth # 130
Despite the amount that you find, you or anybody else donít recall taking off/losing their plasters at the swimming baths
(marcialit#AOL.com)

Universal Truth # 131
When in somebody elseís house you only realise that they have ran out of toilet paper after you have used the toilet
(marcialit#AOL.com)

Universal Truth # 132
Hard-ons and the need to take a leak in somebody elseís house are not a good combination
(marcialit#AOL.com)

Universal Truth # 133
Heís smiling, so heís either lying or telling the truth
(carelli_62#hotmail.com)

Universal Truth # 134
Youve never known if its ok to eat a green crisp.
(tony140588#hotmail.com)

Universal Truth # 135
Intelligence is knowing that a tomato is a fruit, wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad :P
(tony140588#hotmail.com)

Universal Truth # 136
We all believe the Truth we perceive, but we only perceive the Truth we believe.
(keiser#nni.com)

Universal Truth # 137
The only difference between Collusion and Collision is u and i.
(keiser#nni.com)

Universal Truth # 138
its universally true that there is no universal truth
(mu4l#Hotmail.com)

Universal Truth # 139
Your friends lunch is always more appealing than your own.
(alex#deltavision.com)

Universal Truth # 140
The opposite of upside down is not down side up. Itís upside up.
(c.winder#unsw.edu.au)

Universal Truth # 141
triangular sandwiches always taste better
(conradbar#yahoo.co.uk)

Universal Truth # 142
The number of books in the Trilogy is infinite.
(bizzybody#ufies.userfriendly.org)

Universal Truth # 143
Big turds are both a blessing and a curse. Despite the initial discomfort, you feel immensely proud of it, only to realise that it would never be right to share this with anyone. The intensity of the pride/shame dilemma is in direct proportion to how much is above water.
(brmoffatt#yahoo.com.au)

Universal Truth # 144
Nothing sounds more fun than the sound of a primary school at break time.
(brmoffatt#yahoo.com.au)

Universal Truth # 145
There is no greater personal triumph than filling your tank with more litres of fuel than you have ever achieved before.
(brmoffatt#yahoo.com.au)

Universal Truth # 146
We all think, at least once in our lives, that the clock is wrong.
(restrict24#yahoo.com)

Universal Truth # 147
The greatest threat to any computer is a determined three year old with a screwdriver.
(tmonagha#mitre.org)

Universal Truth # 148
Mementos, sooner or later, make us feel old.
(restrict24#yahoo.com)

Universal Truth # 149
You can learn a lot from your dog on the internet
(richard#phase.org)

Universal Truth # 150
truth is always truthing itself with every new thought or creation
(itruthingi#aol.com)

Universal Truth # 152
what the i thinks it creates be very careful what your i thinks it all begins with the i
(itruthingi#aol.com)

Universal Truth # 154
un i verse all we all come from the same i truthing i until we get lost figures!
(itruthingi#aol.com)

Universal Truth # 156
time does not exist it lies only in the imagination of man
(wilshirethebeast#hotmail.com)

Universal Truth # 157
AS YOU CAN SEE BY THIS SITE, MORE PEOPLE ARE GOOD THAN BAD. TIME IS FEAR, FEAR IS EVIL. LIFE WITHOUT TIME IS AFTERLIFE.
(SCOTLANDS#HOTMAIL.COM)

Universal Truth # 160
You will never know if someone has a secret and keeps it.
(solonius#yahoo.com)

Universal Truth # 161
You can open your heart to someone who has never told you they have a secret.
(solonius#yahoo.com)

Universal Truth # 162
Universal Truths are all relative.
(solonius#yahoo.com)

Universal Truth # 163
If Ignorance is Bliss, there should be more happy people.
(solonius#yahoo.com)

Universal Truth # 166
Wherever you go, you will have been there
(jason#yahoo.com)

Universal Truth # 169
Software is a gas, it expands to fill all available disk space.
(cgray#aesprodata-na.com)

Universal Truth # 170
If you give them a megabyte, they will want a terabyte.
(cgray#aesprodata-na.com)

Universal Truth # 171
Build a system that even a computer illiterate can use, and only computer illiterates will want to.
(cgray#aesprodata-na.com)

Universal Truth # 172
Figuring out why it doesn't work is almost always more fun as using it.
(cgray#aesprodata-na.com)

Universal Truth # 173
Getting a programmer to write user documentation is like giving a cat a bath.
(cgray#aesprodata-na.com)

Universal Truth # 175
A probability of 1:1 is only normal if you live in a black hole
(garou423#yahoo.com)

Universal Truth # 179
love truthing hate lying now and ever love truthing hate lying
(itruthingiself#aol.com)

Universal Truth # 180
When you meet the love of your life, you will write them poetry and sing them songs. This does not mean however that they will be good poems or that your singing voice will improve. But sing anyway, for love is a gift meant to be shared.
(restrict24#yahoo.com)

Universal Truth # 184
Things are always in the last place u put them.
(bballplaya1222#aol.com)

Universal Truth # 185
Things always seem like a good idea at the time.
(bballplaya1222#aol.com)

Universal Truth # 186
there is a cure for every thought and creation
(truthingperfect#aol.com)

Universal Truth # 187
Spinning on a revolving computer chair while thinking is compulsory.
(nessyboi#hotmail.com)

Universal Truth # 188
The nicer a day at the beach, the more cold and gritty the end of day will be. - TRUTH!
(nessyboi#hotmail.com)

Universal Truth # 189
once a truthing always a truthing
(truthingperfect#aol.com)

Universal Truth # 190
The amount of advice you ignore as a youth is directly proportional to the amount of counseling you will need as an adult.
(connick007#hotmail.com)

Universal Truth # 192
no one knows for sure what the truthing is going on until truth happens
(itruthingi#aol.com)

Universal Truth # 193
No matter how plain and clear your language, someone will impute hidden meaning and evil intent.
(herveus#radix.net)

Universal Truth # 206
Looks can be receiving.
(bshimoda#usa.net)

Universal Truth # 211
If you have 4 brands of modems, it will always be the 4th one you choose that actually works in any given PC running Windows 98.
(bizzybody#ufies.userfriendly.org)

Universal Truth # 212
If a modem doesn't work in Linux, it'a probably a Winmodem.
(richard#phase.org)

Universal Truth # 222
The pen is mightier than the sword only if you manage to keep your head attached.
(hold2file#aol.com)

Universal Truth # 229
The Web provides ample proof that way too many people have way too much free time on their collective hands.
(jesse#internex.net)

Universal Truth # 230
The more work you do on a website, the further it seems from completion
(richard#phase.org)

Universal Truth # 255
Sometimes the difference between ACK and NACK can seem to be the N of the world
(matt.grierson#intelsat.int)

Universal Truth # 286
The speed of the computer is inversely proportional to the rush of the user
(nericus#usa.net)

Universal Truth # 303
Nothing is ever where you last left it.
(peterd#tor.comm.mot.com)

Universal Truth # 333
The best computer today will be junk in 1000 years
(eric#generation-i.com)

Universal Truth # 351
If its says "you must restart your system" its lying.
(peterd#tor.comm.mot.com)

Universal Truth # 369
Stuff happens, then more stuff happens. Stuff will continue to happen until stuff stops happening.
(mina13#cox.net)

Universal Truth # 404
When you need it, you can't find it or its not available.
(peterd#tor.comm.mot.com)

Universal Truth # 405
The more eagerly a film is awaited, the longer the release delay will be
(richard#phase.org)

Universal Truth # 406
The converse of UT 405 is not always true
(richard#phase.org)

Universal Truth # 420
There is no such thing as normal, only many different definitions of abnormality.
(bsia#telvue.com)

Universal Truth # 439
There is always at least one bug in a program
(amy#walker.com)

Universal Truth # 451
a/s/l tells you nothing about a person.
(richard#phase.org)

Universal Truth # 452
The people who are actually going to be interesting aren't going to give you meaningful answers to a/s/l anyway.
(drayke#gtemail.net)

Universal Truth # 456
No matter how well rehearsed an important speech is, you will forget it two seconds before you need to present it. This is especially true when speaking to the opposite sex.
(ballard#osf1.gmu.edu)

Universal Truth # 495
No truth is universal, everything has its exception.
(randomthoughts#usa.net)

Universal Truth # 496
The only exception to the rule that everything has its exception is the rule itself
(eric#generation-i.com)

Universal Truth # 500
A person with two first names cannot be trusted.
(bellco33#hotmail.com)

Universal Truth # 529
The amount of work you put into a project is inversely proportional to how much your boss/professor/higher-than-you
(x96marchant#wmich.edu)

Universal Truth # 540
A mousepad will always collect the most dust compared to any other object in the room.
(alcaron#ozemail.com.au)

Universal Truth # 541
In the absence of a mousepad, an LCD screen will serve this purpose
(teikari#bigfoot.com)

Universal Truth # 555
Nothing works faster than a geek with a challenge
(richard#phase.org)

Universal Truth # 589
No matter what the subject, there will always be a dummies book.
(nitehawk#1ststep.net)

Universal Truth # 651
The amount of movie seen is inversely proportional to how much you like your date.
(balint#udayton.edu)

Universal Truth # 666
There is nothing inherently evil about a number which can be reached by counting
(richard#phase.org)

Universal Truth # 667
People who want to share their religious views with you rarely want you to share yours with them.
(jazzfish#vt.edu)

Universal Truth # 700
If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
(jazzfish#vt.edu)

Universal Truth # 712
There's more that 5 ways to skin a cat, but less than 3 reasons to want to.
(cgray#aesprodata-na.com)

Universal Truth # 777
There is nothing inherently good about a number that can be reached by counting.
(bizzybody#ufies.userfriendly.org)

Universal Truth # 786
My name is alex
(alex#hotmail.com)

Universal Truth # 801
Finite players play within the rules. Infinite players play with the rules.
(bshimoda#usa.net)

Universal Truth # 888
Original Universal Truths are much harder to come up with than clever things you have heard your friends say.
(jesse#internex.net)

Universal Truth # 900
People are far more inclined to say "someone should do something" than to be or support that someone
(richard#phase.org)

Universal Truth # 925
The best humor in a workplace will be banned by management.
(pezimaniac#geocities.com)

Universal Truth # 926
The best humor in the work place is about the Management.
(bunchosmiles#yahoo.com)

Universal Truth # 986
Open computer cases and cats do not mix
(mimick#chia.net)

Universal Truth # 999
The glass is neither half empty nor half full. Regardless of how much liquid it contains, it's 99.99% empty space anyway.
(tragedy.nin#usa.net)

Universal Truth # 1002
No matter how much you dumb down something, someone out there is dumber.
(tiger#tyger.org)

Universal Truth # 1024
Life is one big stitch up. What matters most is not who you are, but how big your needle is
(simon#rahness.demon.co.uk)

Universal Truth # 1039
There is no evil, just fun and boring
()

Universal Truth # 1089
Attempting to understand the method to one's madness will ultimately drive one mad.
(NRReinkober#worldnet.att.net)

Universal Truth # 1090
The last ten percent of the file takes ninety percent of the download time.
(wabbit#descon.com)

Universal Truth # 1091
The first 90 percent of the file also takes ninety percent of the download time.
(tiger#shadowcat.tyger.org)

Universal Truth # 1100
When an irresistable force and an immovable object collide, they produce a bug-free operating system.
(tragedy.nin#usa.net)

Universal Truth # 1117
A lie comes from intention, not from action
(tcm75158#glaxowellcome.com)

Universal Truth # 1123
Everything is a metaphor
(ro#killall.com)

Universal Truth # 1138
Everyone will always stare at you blankly immediately after you say something you believed to be enormously funny.
(tech#canadianrural.com)

Universal Truth # 1157
The most important thoughts are the most easily forgotten
(nitsud2dustin#cox.net)

Universal Truth # 1200
Mornings would be much easier to handle if they just happened later in the day.
(ShadowStorm#Mad.Scientist.com)

Universal Truth # 1212
You cannot teach someone unless you are willing to learn from them.
(richard#phase.org)

Universal Truth # 1225
Power Corrupts, Absolute power is kind of neat.
(Pshovar#aol.com)

Universal Truth # 1234
Thereís no such thing as a "dirty" word; words only mean what the listener thinks they mean.
(kbs1208#aol.com)

Universal Truth # 1313
Murphy's Law is always true, except if you decide to depend on it.
(alcaron#ozemail.com.au)

Universal Truth # 1314
The fact that things ever go right is so that things may go more spectacularly wrong later.
(john#dwaf-hri.pwv.gov.za)

Universal Truth # 1337
Computers are the tools of whoever knows your password
(richard#phase.org)

Universal Truth # 1402
Without the heart, there is no answer. Within the heart, there is no question.
(RJF2#cdc.gov)

Universal Truth # 1439
If it wasn't for a last minute nothing would ever get done.
(laneh#mail.utexas.edu)

Universal Truth # 1440
If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done. (See #99)
(ut#nickstoys.com)

Universal Truth # 1444
Just because two things happen at the same time, doesn't necessarily mean thay had anything to do with each other
(Drew_K#email4u.com)

Universal Truth # 1493
There are no standards
(richard#phase.org)

Universal Truth # 1494
Any attempted standards will be broken.
(eric#generation-i.com)

Universal Truth # 1524
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
(boost#mindless.com)

Universal Truth # 1549
There is no such thing as a "quick" IRC session
(richard#phase.org)

Universal Truth # 1560
Every major celebrity will have at least twelve fan pages hosted on GeoCities.
(ajpoland#iupui.edu)

Universal Truth # 1621
The greatest crime is the theft of a child's innocence
(richard#phase.org)

Universal Truth # 1640
Computer programming is simply debugging a blank screen.
(cpierce1#ford.com)

Universal Truth # 1666
And, nobody gets out of this alive.
(mclayton227#comcast.net)

Universal Truth # 1699
Cats have the hacker nature
(klausman#incas.de)

Universal Truth # 1709
A person who says something is impossible is usually interrupted by the person doing it.
(jerrol#vt.edu)

Universal Truth # 1773
If you take life too seriously, life will start to take you seriously.
(ballard#osf1.gmu.edu)

Universal Truth # 1800
When working a support phone the phone will always ring when you close Netscape and try to get some real work done.
(rhino#users.anet-stl.com)

Universal Truth # 1801
When working a support phone, you will never close Netscape and try to get some real work done. The phone will ring anyway.
(drayke#gtemail.net)

Universal Truth # 1803
The Universe grew sense organs, with which to examine Itself.
(jwilkinson#iready.com)

Universal Truth # 1812
Music always sounds nicer on someone elses stereo.
(tiberian#icdc.com)

Universal Truth # 1901
If a techie says something, you know it's true.
(asylem#planetquake.com)

Universal Truth # 1962
Customer service has not gone down, customer stupidity has gone up.
(boost#mindless.com)

Universal Truth # 1977
Life is too short to drink bad wine.
(alwin#global.co.za)

Universal Truth # 1978
The Matrix has you.
(jarliverp#hotmail.com)

Universal Truth # 1979
Cows never said Moo, People only understand it that way
(thinkcow#chello.nl)

Universal Truth # 1984
Civilization is both man's greatest accomplishment and his greatest failure.
(jerrol#vt.edu)

Universal Truth # 1985
Bell-bottoms and Disco are Man's greatest failure
(rljoiner#mindspring.com)

Universal Truth # 1986
Man is Woman's greatest failure
(rljoiner#mindspring.com)

Universal Truth # 1987
When Woman speaks about Man, its celebrated. When Man speaks about Woman what Woman speaks about Man its called sexism.
(michael#millow.com)

Universal Truth # 1998
You know it's a hangover when you wake up and find that your usual existential dread is entirely justified.
(daevol#daevol.com)

Universal Truth # 1999
The moon is still revolving around the earth.
(pascal175#hotmail.com)

Universal Truth # 2001
The most serious problem is always the one you didn't anticipate.
(Drew_K#email4u.com)

Universal Truth # 2003
The probability you will irrepairably stick your foot in your mouth is directly proportional to the attractiveness of the person you are trying to impress.
(beckman#open-tech.com)

Universal Truth # 2089
If there are at least two prople in the world interested in something there is a website about it.
(eric#generation-i.com)

Universal Truth # 2108
The mousepointer will always be in front of what you are trying to read/write
(bsl#portveien.to)

Universal Truth # 2126
Truth is like beauty; it is in the eye of the beholder
(dolmst#excite.com)

Universal Truth # 2173
Intermittent faults will never occur in the presence of a technician
(dawn.frier#switchview.com (adapted))

Universal Truth # 2222
A false statement does not imply truth or lack thereof (and this Truth is mathematically correct)
(mcarr#macrolink.bc.ca)

Universal Truth # 2259
It never snows on the Internet.
(sentience#pobox.com)

Universal Truth # 2300
Idle minds are a chance to think for yourself
(richard#phase.org)

Universal Truth # 2310
What you look for is always in the last place you look for it... Unless you mangle your control loops.
(nebulous#nebulosity.sid.rice.edu)

Universal Truth # 2448
It's impossible to devise a foolproof system as Nature will simply evolve a more perfect fool.
(vhubert#minacom.com)

Universal Truth # 2558
Infamy is FAR more fun than fame.
(mbristow#inreach.com)

Universal Truth # 2587
no matter what you feed it, a puppies breath will always smell bad.
(mulligan_81#hotmail.com)

Universal Truth # 2667
The intelligence of a university is a constant. Enrollment is increasing.
(tstorsve#golem.phys.ndsu.nodak.edu)

Universal Truth # 2901
Context sensitive help isn't
(klausman#incas.de)

Universal Truth # 3108
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright before you hear them speak.
(darkhalf#accesscable.net)

Universal Truth # 3110
Progress cannot be achieved without suffering.
(hentai#edgemail.com)

Universal Truth # 3111
The goal of progress is to end suffering.
(hentai#edgemail.com)

Universal Truth # 3141
There is always one more bug
(crutcher#taz.eng.ua.edu)

Universal Truth # 3142
There is always one more programming language
(crutcher#taz.eng.ua.edu)

Universal Truth # 3143
The above two are not coincidences
(crutcher#taz.eng.ua.edu)

Universal Truth # 3171
The status of one's sick leave is directly proportional to the operating status of one's home computer.
(polt#hotmail.com)

Universal Truth # 3172
The great pleasures in life are doing what people say cannot be done.
(polt#hotmail.com)

Universal Truth # 3333
User friendly and power user friendly are opposite ends of the scale.
(tiger#tyger.org)

Universal Truth # 3334
Sometimes I itch.
(cibbe85#hotmail.com)

Universal Truth # 3335
When annoying people do something often you will eventually find this activity annoying as well.
(cibbe85#hotmail.com)

Universal Truth # 3443
Common sense is no more common than a mushroom cloud is a mushroom.
(tragedy.nin#usa.net)

Universal Truth # 3456
In a cartoon, EVERYTHING falls faster than an anvil
(NRReinkober#worldnet.att.net)

Universal Truth # 3462
A Hermit never has peer pressure.
(AIM me on xoredsoxbabi34ox #cox.net)

Universal Truth # 3463
One in every seven days is a Thursday.
(AIM me on xoredsoxbabi34ox #cox.net)

Universal Truth # 3553
The more sexual the name of a drink, the less likely it is to get you sex.
(rljoiner#mindspring.com)

Universal Truth # 3571
The general perversity of the internet is always at it's maximum.
(rljoiner#mindspring.com)

Universal Truth # 3572
However, actual intelligence of the internet is always at it's minimum.
(tfhays#us.ibm.com)

Universal Truth # 3629
Artificial banana tastes nothing like banana
(j.franklin#usa.net)

Universal Truth # 3630
Artifical grape tastes nothing like grape
(slosh42#hotmail.com)

Universal Truth # 3631
Artificial grape and banana are delicious.
(helterskelter517#hotmail.com)

Universal Truth # 3832
Money cannot buy happiness, but it can at least pay for some new components.
(richard#phase.org inspired by dralocke#usa.net)

Universal Truth # 3833
Money cannot buy happiness, however it can ask for the delivery of it; This does not mean it will get delivered.
(thati_603#hotmail.com)

Universal Truth # 4000
The truth is out there. Way far out there.
(rljoiner#mindspring.com)

Universal Truth # 4001
If aliens really wanted everyone to know about your abduction, they would go on the Jerry Springer show
(rljoiner#mindspring.com)

Universal Truth # 4234
You can always find a flaw in anything. And you probably will.
(marsheeka37#hotmail.com)

Universal Truth # 4247
Simplicity is the highest form of complexity, as we cannot explain it any further.
(thorntob#letu.edu)

Universal Truth # 4432
Any statement made on Usenet will, by necessity, be one or more of the following offensive, liberal, mispelled, ungrammatical, spam, a "me too", or a flame.
(rljoiner#mindspring.com)

Universal Truth # 4500
Pornography is the leading cause of the internet.
(rljoiner#mindspring.com)

Universal Truth # 4549
Beer
(i-cameron#home.com)

Universal Truth # 4555
One of the funniest things you can do is pack yourself into a suitcase. You will hardly be able to contain yourself.
(jarliverp#hotmail.com)

Universal Truth # 4556
If you stick some five pound notes in your ears, you will have cashiers.
(jarliverp#hotmail.com)

Universal Truth # 4903
As more information is distributed via the 'net, the less knowledge is gained from the net
(ericb#avtel.com)

Universal Truth # 5150
Whenever trouble arises, there is always one idividual who realizes a solution, then rises from obscurity to take command, ushering in a new era. Very often, that individual is utterly insane.
(slosh42#hotmail.com)

Universal Truth # 5335
Reality is what you make of it
(jerrol#vt.edu)

Universal Truth # 5813
There is always someone more stupid than you (and they will always call when you do tech support)
(ro#killall.com)

Universal Truth # 5814
There is always someone more intelligent than you (and they will NEVER call when you do tech support).
(kirbmenzel#mail.utexas.edu)

Universal Truth # 5900
In any given group of friends, there is always one who never has money to buy his own beer.
(rljoiner#mindspring.com)

Universal Truth # 6000
Most answers may look you dead in the face and you still will not see them
(B_O_O_M_M#yahoo.com)

Universal Truth # 6001
The harder you punch someone, the more your fist hurts afterwards.
(pmezzani#saintleo.edu)

Universal Truth # 6002
The motto for all people in life should be kill the slow, castrate the stupid
(steve#hotmail.net)

Universal Truth # 6003
If anyone calls you Dick immediately after finding out your name is Richard you should not trust him.
(steve#hotmail.net)

Universal Truth # 6266
A little insanity is a wonderful thing.
(jerrol#vt.edu)

Universal Truth # 6267
You can always have to much of a good thing
(rljoiner#mindspring.com)

Universal Truth # 6268
Axiom 1: Change is bad. Axiom 1a: Except for coins.
(mrholroyd#comcast.net)

Universal Truth # 6269
Axiom 2: Improvement is good.
(mrholroyd#comcast.net)

Universal Truth # 6274
No matter how long you work at a puzzle trying to solve it, someone will come along and give you the answer after looking for two seconds.
(mimick#chia.net)

Universal Truth # 6275
Corollary to #6274: No one likes a smartass.
(amulet#webdragon.co.uk)

Universal Truth # 6276
Corollary to #6275: Except when your a smartass yourself, in that case you will like yourself but dislike other smartasses more.
(root#mediamonks.net)

Universal Truth # 6327
Everything makes sense to someone
(richard#phase.org)

Universal Truth # 6328
All attempts at profundity will immediately kill a conversation
(richard#phase.org)

Universal Truth # 6329
Donald Duck was always naked but always wore a towel when getting out the shower
(superj2#hotmail.com)

Universal Truth # 6734
The death rate of non-smokers to smokers is 100%
(solonius#yahoo.com)

Universal Truth # 8888
If it is on the Internet, it must be free. If it is not free, it must be stolen at every opportunity. If it is not stolen at every opportunity, it must be remarkably inferior to something else that is duly free or stolen at every opportunity.
(luc-on-the-move#braziliantranslation.net)

Universal Truth # 9000
You can not drink until you are sober.
(tonykoesters#hotmail.com)

Universal Truth # 9999
You are always a little bit scared when you stroke a hourse.
(engrady41#hotmail.com)


337 Universal Truths listed.

#=@, obviously, but don't tell the spamtrawler.


This page will be improved as more and more people submit their favourite Universal Truths. ;)
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